Change

It’s amazing how quickly your body can go downhill when you aren’t paying attention. Skip the gym for a few days in a row, and suddenly, it doesn’t seem as important as it truly is. You think to yourself, “I don’t have to go. If I watch what I eat, I will be fine.” But when you work and go to school full time in addition to taking care of four children and being a decent wife, are you really going to eat right? To be honest, I don’t feel like being bothered. More nights than I care to admit, dinner consists of a stop at the drive-thru of McDonald’s on the way home from picking the kids up at daycare. Because you can’t see the havoc it causes on the inside of your body, you don’t think about it too much. So you get home and unwrap your burger while sitting in front of the computer, plugging away at an assignment due before midnight. You take a second to look down at the crumbs remaining in the wrapper, and don’t even remember chewing.
This is the story of my life; too many meals eaten in between events that I can’t even recall. And it doesn’t dawn on me until 50 pounds later that maybe things got a bit out of hand. My jeans have been pushed to the back of the closet and their space has been filled by anything with an elastic waist. I try to pretend not to notice how out of breath I am now after simply walking from the car to the front door. Yes, things are bad. And I know I need to make a change, so I’ll start first thing in the morning. For tonight, I’ll go ahead and finish up that tres leches cake to keep it from going to waste. Oh, and the last of those Pringles. This is the mentality that has me classified as a morbidly obese woman. I am always starting tomorrow, and subconsciously acknowledge that I am not capable of such a change and may as well enjoy life to the fullest. Is that what I am doing? Enjoying life to the fullest? Not being able to take my children to the playground because my knees ache too badly to be on them for long periods of time, having to spend insane amounts of money on clinical strength deodorant because the regular stuff no longer holds me over, and having my children get into fights at daycare defending their “fat mommy’s honor” doesn’t quite fit my idea of living life to the fullest.

It’s one thing not to take pride in myself, but my children deserve the best of what I have to offer. For that reason, change starts today, not tomorrow. Today, I will put on my gym shoes and spend 30 quality minutes on the elliptical. Today, I will think of each item I put into my mouth as fuel for my organs, not my taste buds. It is easy to get overwhelmed by the fact that I need to lose about 120 pounds to get myself back into a healthy range. It’s enough to make me want to forget all about getting healthy and crack open a pint of Ben & Jerry’s. So I am not thinking about losing 120 pounds. I am thinking about getting to a point where I can ride a bicycle with my children, walk up a flight of stairs without my lungs collapsing, and becoming the health nut that I know is buried deep down inside of me somewhere. Will it be difficult? I am sure it will be. But a friend once said to me: “You have to dig deep. Find your mojo, and fight with everything you’ve got!” So that’s my plan. I am overcoming myself to become my better self. Today, it is no longer about reaching my destination- it’s about enjoying my journey.

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2 thoughts on “Change

  1. Im reading your blog for the first time. I wish you all the best in this journey :). As hard as it will be to lose the weight, it will be definitely worth it.
    Just keep trying! Good luck,

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