Hypochondriacs Anonymous

My name is Afsana, and I am a hypochondriac. There really should be a 12 step program out there for people like me, but no such thing exists to my knowledge. That’s fine, because I really don’t want help with my so called problem. I think I know my body well enough to be able to sense when something is wrong with it. And thanks to this wonderful medical textbook known as the internet, I have been able to successfully diagnose myself with plenty of illnesses and disorders. Of course I have never been to a doctor to have any diagnosis confirmed, and I probably never will. Sure, they know a thing or two about the human body and all the things that could go wrong with it, but they don’t know about the things that could go wrong with my body.

Anyone who knows me can attest to my craziness. I have believed that tiny insects resided in my ears and I am still convinced that I have irritable bowel syndrome. I can’t tell you how often I squealed with delight as I sat and watched television and saw commercials that described a condition I exhibited all the symptoms of. I would never actually take the recommended medications for these conditions (more on my conspiracy theory regarding pharmaceutical companies at another time), but it is comforting to know that there is actually an explanation for whatever disruption to homeostasis I might be experiencing. My medicine cabinet is filled to the brim with natural remedies and vitamins that I seldom remember to take. I have made a discovery that even the medical professionals are unaware of- almost any ailment in the body can be cured by Tiger Balm or Vicks Vaporup. For more serious conditions, there is always Robotussin. Laugh all you want, but I have saved myself thousands of dollars by being my very own physician.

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