I realized a couple of years ago that I haven’t been able to find my happy place for a while. I don’t remember what may have happened to pull me away. All I know is that I am not the same person I used to be. Don’t get me wrong, I am not depressed. I have my happy moments, but I just seem to have lost myself. I think being a mother and a wife can do that to you. I have spent so much time and effort trying to be what everyone else needed me to be, that I don’t know how to be what I need me to be anymore. If you asked me 8 years ago what my favorite food was, or what I liked to do in my spare time, I would have had an answer without having to think about it. I don’t know what my favorite food is anymore, and spare time doesn’t exist in my world so I would have no clue how to spend it.
I read an article today in a magazine that really made me think. It was focused primarily on weight loss, but it made me take notice of something about myself. I have been through some things in my life that weren’t impossible to get through, but felt unbearable at the time they occurred. Somehow, I managed to survive those things. The problem is that I never dealt with the feelings I had as a result of those events or situations. I always felt the need to be the strong one; the strong older sister, the strong daughter, the strong friend. I wanted so badly to appear to be Superwoman, and I was a master at suppressing my feelings so I wouldn’t appear weak to anyone on the outside. I was a rock, or so I thought. The difficulty I ran into with keeping those feelings hidden is that I even hid them from myself and I never got “closure”. I never acknowledged how those things affected me; therefore I could never completely heal from them. Instead, I formed emotional scars that I didn’t realize I was forming. Those scars were building a fortress around my happy place, and keeping me out of it.
Today, I decided to make a list of some painful memories. I can’t go back and change those things, but I can acknowledge the feelings I had. I wrote all those feelings out on paper. Then, I burned each one of those pieces of paper as a way of letting go. I know that this is only the beginning; I have learned what I needed to learn from the past and am using those lessons to benefit myself now and in the future. I understand that I am human, and entitled to human emotions. I know that I can’t control everything around me, but I can control how I view everything around me. Most importantly, I love myself enough to know that I deserve to be a priority in my life. Through acknowledgement and release, I am tearing down that wall of scars. And I can see my happy place from here.