Tom Foolery Tuesday: Stinkerbell

I don’t know Paris Hilton personally, but I hate her for the craziness she has started with her lap dog. I don’t know if people in colder climates have the same experience but I see them everywhere I go, cuddled in the arms of their owners like babies. That is perfectly fine if you have a dog that happens to take the place of a baby for you, but please understand that they are NOT babies. The rest of the general public doesn’t view your pooch as a baby, and we don’t always take kindly to seeing them in certain places.

I don’t mind dogs running around at the park, as long as the owner/parent is willing to pick up after them when they do their business. I don’t even mind seeing them at the Farmer’s Market. Despite the fact that the venue is already crowded with people and having to step around your pooch can be a pain, it is outdoors. Dogs are okay with me when they are outdoors. However when I go into the grocery store, I don’t get a kick out of seeing Stinkerbell dressed up and sitting pretty in the cart. No, ma’am. My food goes in those carts, and I don’t care if it is in a package. I still don’t want it contaminated. I don’t allow my cat on the kitchen counter at home because I don’t believe in mixing pets and food. For that same reason, I would like to put my bread in a basket that has been untouched by FiFi’s behind. If you can’t stand to be away from your pet for an hour while doing your grocery shopping, you should probably seek professional help, because there is definitely a co-dependency issue going on there.

One other thing to consider is that, oh I don’t know, maybe some people are allergic to Stinkerbell. And don’t give me that hogwash about how your dog is allergy proof. While there are some breeds that release fewer allergens into the air, there is not a dog that is completely free of allergens. Being hypersensitive, I have yet to meet such a dog whose presence did not create an instant release of histamines in my body. Let me tell you, an allergic reaction can be very unpleasant. My nose plugs with each sneeze, and my lungs feel as though they are filling with fluid and actually feel as though they itch on the inside. Depending on how long I am exposed for, I will start to break out in hives even without having touched the dog. Yes, your little Maltese is adorable. I can completely understand why you would want to share him or her with the world. While I appreciate your generosity, sharing is not always considered good manners.

I was in the bank recently where there was a young girl in line ahead of me, holding a very adorable dog of a breed I am not familiar with (not that I am any kind of breed expert). She struggled to hold him on her hip while she readied her things for her transaction. Her entire wallet fell to the floor, scattering its contents. She looked helplessly at the customers behind her (including me). I was in a pissy mood to begin with, thanks to the return of hellish weather outside, so I wasn’t anxious to assist. I know it wasn’t very nice to stand and watch, but why the hell is your dog in the bank? Irritated that no one came to her rescue, the girl set the dog down in a huff and gathered her things. Fifi sat patiently and waited to be back in the comfort of her master’s arms. *insert eyeroll here* When she got up to the counter, guess what she did with the dog? You got it, sat him right on top of the counter next to the canister of lollipops. Lord help me, I could have rolled up a newspaper and bopped that girl in the back of her head with it.

I really am a nice person. Really. But I have a daily threshold for tom foolery, and bringing your pet to the bank just doesn’t fit into that threshold.

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