2014, The Cliffnotes Version

I should be ashamed of how long it’s been since I posted, but I’m not. Hey, I’m not a full time blogger. I don’t get paid to do this. I still have to work a fulltime job and I’m raising four kids and a husband. Yes, you read that correctly. I’d like to say that an extended absence won’t happen again, I’ll do better in 2015, blah, blah, blah, but those would be lies and I don’t want to lie to you guys. I’m not abandoning my blog, don’t get me wrong. I just haven’t been very motivated to write because nothing new is happening in my life and I don’t feel like sharing the same old stuff over and over.

Since today is December 31st, I thought I would end the year with a post full of random thoughts. I know that’s pretty much every post I write. Whatever. Can you tell I’m PMSing? Sorry. Just kidding. I don’t apologize for being crotchety when I have PMS. It apparently gets worse with age, and the people who love me have learned to either deal with it, or avoid me. Anywho, on to the Random Shittery of 2014.

1. With all the hype surrounding the book, I broke down and read Fifty Shades of Grey. I didn’t buy it, thank goodness. I checked it out from the library. The electronic copy, not the hardcover. Are you kidding me? Ewww. I don’t even want to know what kinds of germs lie between the pages of the hard copy at the library. Fifty Shades was by far one of the worst books I ever read. Even Twilight was written better, and that’s saying something. The author wanted me to believe that the main character was some kind of brainiac, but her inner dialogue would suggest otherwise. Apparently her vocabulary is pretty limited, because her thoughts are often comprised of the words “holy” and “crap”. “Jeeze” is her favorite to mutter out loud. Why the hell is she muttering all the damned time? And can she find an adjective besides “hot” to describe Christian? Not only that, but she must have the most raggedy lips known to man because she chews them through the entire story. I got to a point where I just started skimming the pages in a hurry to reach the end. I am embarrassed to admit that I spent an hour of my life reading/skimming this book, and I’ll never be able to get that hour back.

2. I read a post recently by a person appealing to retailers to stop stocking Jordan’s (sneakers) until the violence surrounding them in the inner city stops. Apparently, I have this parenting thing all wrong. You mean to tell me it isn’t my fault that my kids act a damn fool? All this time I thought it was my parenting, but it’s actually retailers’ faults. What a relief to know I’m not to blame there. All kidding aside, we have got to stop placing so much importance on name brands. And when I say we, I mean y’all. Because I have never purchased a pair of J’s for my kids and I never will. The only reason I started spending more than $30 on a pair of sneakers for my kids is because three of them now wear adult sizes. They all started school off this year wearing Adidas running shoes that probably made their debut a couple of years ago. The amount I spent on 4 pairs of sneakers was still less than folks spend on one pair of Jordan’s. That ensured that there was enough money left over to actually buy school supplies. You know, since they actually go to school to learn. I’m not saying that you can’t buy nice stuff for your kids. If you don’t have to take out a second mortgage to make your kids’ dreams of a couture wardrobe come true, go for it. But if you know for a fact that putting $200 sneakers on your kids’ feet are going to put them in danger of getting robbed or shot, you might want to rethink buying them. It’s not Michael Jordan’s fault that kids are being killed over his sneakers, nor is it the fault of the stores that sell them. Instead of protesting and petitioning, simply stop buying. It’s really quite liberating.

3. I really hate when someone sits down at my table in the break room and work and starts chatting while I’m in the middle of a book. Is there some unspoken etiquette that requires me to put my book down to entertain you because you decided to grace me with your presence? If so, I was completely unaware of it. I like reading. A lot. I don’t like socializing very much, though. Especially when I have a good book in my hand. Most likely, I’ll smile at you politely (while cursing you in my head) and then go back to reading my book, hoping that you get the hint. You’d be surprised at how dense people can be sometimes, though. Going back to reading my book is sometimes mistaken as an invitation to ask about what I am reading, if I ever read such and such ridiculous book (such as 50 Shades of Grey), and so on. At that moment, I close my book (or Kindle cover) and stand up to leave. I hate being interrupted when I’m reading. So if you ever see me with a book in my hand, please find yourself another table to sit at.

4. The curl pattern in my hair at the nape of my neck is significantly looser than the curl pattern everywhere else on my head. That area seems to grow twice as fast as the rest of my hair, too. As a result, I have a mullet. No matter how often I trim that pesky nape hair to keep my ‘do even all the way around, it grows like a friggin weed. My husband thinks it’s hilarious. I don’t so much. The cat sits on banister behind the sofa and bats at it while I watch television. What a jerk. And no matter how high on my head I gather my hair for a ponytail, the hair from the nape is still too long for a nice, even ponytail. I’ll probably cut it tonight because I don’t want to go into 2015 with a mullet. But within a couple of weeks, the mullet will be back. Did you know mullets were officially banned in Iran? I’m dead serious. At least they’re doing something right over there. So that’s one place I wouldn’t be able to visit. If someone caught a glimpse of what I look like underneath my hijab, I’d surely be thrown in prison there.

That’s all I’ve got for now. Here’s to a fabulous end to 2014. Hopefully I can keep my old ass awake until midnight. Happy New Year, Y’all!

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