The prevalence of social media in today’s society inspires us to put our very best foot forward whenever people are watching. And if our best foot isn’t impressive, there’s the option of using filters. After a while, it can get a bit discouraging. You may look at someone else’s Instagram feed and wonder how it is that everyone has their lives in order except you. Well, this post isn’t going to make you feel badly about your station in life. In an effort to bring a little normalcy back to the interwebs, I present you with some of my most embarrassing stories. And yes, all of this has happened in real life.
1. I suffer from gastrointestinal distress more often than I would like. The older I get, the more sensitive my body becomes to what I put in it. One day, I had eaten something that disagreed with me terribly at an office potluck. I quickly made my way to the bathroom, having broken out in a cold sweat. As I was walking, a fart slipped out. Not a tiny one, either. It was loud, like a gunshot. One of those farts that actually hurts on the way out. I silently prayed that no one was around, and took a quick glance behind me to be sure. To my horror, the Senior Vice President was eight feet behind me. To this day, I can’t meet his eyes when we have a conversation.
2. I have a huge hijab that slips on really easily, and comes in very handy when answering the door, or running an errand. It falls past my knees, so I can put it on with pretty much anything. One day, I decided to walk to the store. I slipped my trusty hijab over a skirt and a tank top (bra not included) and headed out. As I was leaving the store with both hands occupied by bags, a strong gust of wind lifted my hijab off of my head like a parachute and blew it down the street. I threw my bags down, bursting my gallon of milk wide open, and chased after my hijab. Quite naturally, it got tangled in a bush right next to the corner where a large group of my friendly neighborhood drug dealers stood. After fighting to detangle the hijab from the bush and yanking it back onto my head, several guys applauded and whistled. I left the bags of groceries where they were, walked back home, and cried tears of embarrassment into a bowl of dry cereal.
3. In high school, we used to have several dances during the year for various occasions. For one such occasion, I decided to wear one of those bodysuit shirts that snaps at the crotch. The DJ played Onyx’s Slam, bringing folks from the sidelines to jump around in the middle of the floor. Quite naturally, I joined in. What else are you supposed to do when this song comes on? You jump around like someone hyped up on Red Bull. Let me tell you, jumping around in a body suit that has a deeply scooped neckline is a terrible idea. When I jumped, so did various body parts. Right out of the top of the shirt.
4. In the kindergarten, I had a huge crush on a boy in my class. At naptime, I would always ask to have my blanket laid next to his. No one ever obliged. One day, I was given the honor of laying out the naptime blankets. Where did I put mine? Next to Americo’s, of course. I fidgeted during the first half of naptime, sneaking glances at my crush the whole time. I eventually drifted off to sleep with fantasies of standing next to him in a wedding dress floating in my head. I slept so well, that I was the very last person to wake up from naptime. I wiped away the drool from my cheek and was horrified to realize that I’d peed on myself. In front of the entire class, I had to pick up my wet blanket and notify the teacher’s assistant. She whisked me away to the bathroom to get cleaned up and changed into my spare clothing. When I came out of the bathroom, everyone was seated on the carpet for story time. The teacher had used masking tape to cordon off the wet spot that my naptime fiasco left behind. I’m not sure what Americo is up to these days, but I certainly hope he doesn’t remember the girl who peed next to him.
5. When I was in cosmetology school during my senior year in high school, we took a trip to Syracuse for a big hair show. I got my hair done for the trip at the shop where I did my internship. It was twisted up into a pretty French roll, which was all the rage at that time. I paid a visit to the hot tub, which happened to be full of what appeared to be male models. I bashfully stepped into the hot tub, and went to sit as far away from the guys as I could. Unfortunately, there wasn’t a seat where I was attempting to sit. Under the water I went. I was pulled up by one of the guys, and my hair a helmet around my face. I promptly exited the hot tub, and went to my room to pull my hair into a raggedy ponytail. I avoided the hot tub for the rest of the trip.